Kiddie flick ‘Zoom’ (2006) forgets humor, energy

Zoom

“Zoom” (2006) is a formulaic superhero movie aimed at young kids, and therefore can be criticized for all the flaws you expect. The conflict, personality types and relationships are simple. But even with that understood, director Peter Hewitt’s film lacks the energy and clever humor that would’ve made it a fun, if light, diversion.

Instead, it falls totally flat despite having a lot of talent in front of the camera. For a much better example of a kids superhero flick, check out the previous year’s “Sky High.”

Stars have little to work with

Adam Rifkin and David Berenbaum – working from Jason Lethcoe’s book for little kids – pen a screenplay in the old style where they don’t include any winking humor for adults.

At the same time, the costume designers are stuck in the period driven by “X-Men” wherein costume designs are streamlined and team-oriented. When the kids get their superhero costumes at the end, they are white jumpsuits.

Everything about “Zoom” calls to mind better projects, starting with the fact that most of the cast has been or will be in something better.

Tim Allen (as the title character, who has fast-twitch muscles), Courteney Cox (as the hottie comic-book-loving scientist) and Chevy Chase (as a technician at the government superhero academy) all do professional work but have little to work with.

In the outtakes that play alongside the closing credits, Allen wonders why he is funnier on the small screen. The answer is that even “Home Improvement” has better jokes.

An example of “Zoom’s” level: Cox says something old-fashioned, Allen asks if she stepped out of the 1950s, and Cox accuses him of being 50. (Indeed, Allen was 53 at the time.)

Signs of later good work

Kate Mara (who has telekinetic powers) and Michael Cassidy (who can turn invisible) show signs of their later good work. Interestingly, Mara would play the Invisible Woman in 2015’s “Fant4stic.”

Cassidy didn’t attain the stardom he should have, but soon after this he was in a couple of solid one-season wonders, “Hidden Palms” and “Privileged.” He also played Jimmy Olsen in “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.”

Ryan Newman is a Cindy Brady-type girl who has super strength, and Spencer Breslin has the best power, able to expand himself – or specific body parts — into a blob that enemies bounce off of. The film hopes these two will scrape by on “cute kid” status, and they get by without being too annoying, at least.

The entire plot is about Zoom training the youngsters at the academy, with regular reminders to the viewer that his evil brother, Concussion (Kevin Zegers) is out there. Chase and Rip Torn follow the looming dimensional rift on monitors.

For some bizarre reason, Concussion’s imminent return isn’t shared with Zoom till the final act, so viewers are literally an hour ahead of the main character.

Sketched-out troubles

The kids all have the same barely sketched-out troubles: They were dropped off at the academy by their folks because they are different. All of them feel insecure.

Zoom realizes he also felt that way when he was trained as a kid, and resolves to give this generation more of a family experience.

The relationships are yawn-worthy. While it takes a while for the Allen-Cox and Mara-Cassidy pairings to coalesce, no one dislikes or misunderstands anyone else.

Everyone more or less likes everyone else. I know “Zoom” comes from a book for very young kids, but come on, you have to have a little more heft in a full-length movie.

Flat moviemaking

The best I can say about it is it’s inoffensive — even with a soundtrack heavy on Smash Mouth, whose style actually fits well with such an empty movie. We also get needle drops of other band’s hits such as Five For Fighting’s “Superman” and Jimmy Eat World’s “The Middle.”

But these only make us want to watch the music videos, which have more emotional depth and energy than the montages of Zoom reflecting on his superhero years and the gang practicing their skills in a cheap knockoff of the Danger Room.

This is flat moviemaking. It might hit the sweet spot for a kid just getting into moving pictures, who enjoys colors and movement. (The special effects are one of the film’s most competent points.)

Their attention span won’t be able to take a full movie, but “Zoom” doesn’t require one’s full attention anyway. It’s easy-to-ignore background noise in cinematic form.

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My rating: