“Now if only they’d make ‘Machete’ into an actual movie instead of just a fake trailer.” That’s how I ended my review of “Grindhouse” — one of my top 10 movies of 2007 — and it turns out that writer-director Robert Rodriguez had been thinking along those lines for a long time.
In fact, a full screenplay did exist when the fake trailer was cut for “Grindhouse.” Rodriguez wrote the screenplay for “Machete” way back in 1993, he revealed in a Rolling Stone interview. He told Entertainment Weekly, in the current fall movie preview issue, that the demand from fans for a real “Machete” movie was so great that he couldn’t hold off any longer.
So finally, on Sept. 3, it will arrive in theaters. The trailer for the real movie is broadly similar to the fake trailer. There are a few differences, but nothing that makes the project look any less awesome.
The plot of the fake trailer is kind of vague. Machete (Danny Trejo, who you’ll recognize even if you’ve only seen 10 movies in your life; that’s how ubiquitous he is) needs money, so he takes a job as an assassin, but he gets shot at the scene of the assassination attempt by the guys who hired him.
Later, the bad guys (led by Jeff Fahey, best known as Frank Lapidus on “Lost”) realize Machete is a Mexican law enforcement official. And Machete teams up with a priest, played by Cheech Marin, to help him take down the bad guys, using a machete, of course, and also guns.
The plot doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and that’s part of why it’s great. “Grindhouse” — which, as you’ll recall, included Rodriguez’s “Planet Terror” and Quentin Tarantino’s “Death Proof” along with four trailers for non-existent movies — was a intended to be a faithful homage to 1970s B-movies, and plot holes came with that territory.
It seems like the fake trailer is built around choice lines from the narrator and characters. The narrator’s highlight is, of course, “They just f***** with the wrong Mexican!” And the best character exchange comes when the priest is standing over a bad guy who begs, “Please, Father, have mercy,” and Cheech replies, “God has mercy. I don’t,” before blowing him away.
The trailer for the actual movie is slightly less grindhousey, but still completely awesome. When I first heard this movie would be made, I felt it definitely should include pops and scratches and “missing reels” like “Grindhouse.” Judging by the trailer, “Machete” looks grainy and dark, but it stops short of being artificially weathered. I guess I’m OK with that, because now that I think about it, I wouldn’t want to miss a reel anyway.
The trailer for the real movie starts at the point where the bad guys (Fahey is now joined by Robert De Niro) realize that Machete is coming after them for revenge. Machete rips out a bad guy’s intestines, runs down the hall with the intestines trailing behind him like a rope, and swings out a window. If that’s not enough, we learn in the next clip that Jessica Alba is also in the cast — what character she plays, I don’t know, but she’s hot, and I assume that’s the reason she’s in the movie. Also, for some unknown (but nonetheless awesome) reason, Steven Seagal is in the movie, tearing up people with a machete himself.
Then the trailer re-introduces Marin’s character with an exchange that had me laughing out loud.
Priest: “It’s not safe for you to be here.”
Machete: “I’m not lookin’ for safe.”
Priest: “No. I mean it’s not safe for me for you to be here.”
Even if the pops and scratches of “Grindhouse” are gone, it looks like the spirit of “Grindhouse” — and the original “Machete” trailer — is fully intact. Rodriguez may be intentionally making a “bad” movie, but darn if it doesn’t look like the best movie of the fall.
Are you looking forward to “Machete?” And what other fake “Grindhouse” trailer would you most like to see as an actual movie — “Thanksgiving,” “Don’t” or “Werewolf Women of the S.S.?”
Comments
Machete seems like it will be fun much in the way Planet Terror was. I really like that they kept the casting decisions they made back when the trailer was put together; Cheech as a killer-priest is probably worth the price of admission.
While the other Grindhouse trailers were funny, I don’t think any could support a movie. I remember the trampoline scene from “Thanksgiving” made me cringe, everything about “Don’t” was designed to make a funny trailer and “Werewolf Women of the SS” was all in the title. Though after seeing “Dead Snow,” maybe WWotSS is just the next step in the progression from zombie-to-werewolf media overkill.# Posted By Another Matt | 8/18/10 4:40 PM
Another Matt–
I agree with your comments on the other trailers. “Machete” was really the only one that could actually become a movie. Eli Roth said that as a kid he waited for a Thanksgiving horror movie every year and it never came out. So in his head he had a vague plot for the movie, but when “Grindhouse” came along he jumped at the chance to just cram the trailer with the best parts of what the movie would’ve been. And with bad horror movies, it’s all about the best parts. I love how the girl reaches up to find her boyfriend is headless and then in the very next clip she is kissing another guy and then realizes his head is detached. Hilarious. “Don’t” was funny, but there’s no movie there. And “Werewolf” wasn’t that funny even as a trailer.
Pretty much everything about “Machete” would be worth the price of admission on its own — Cheech as the priest, Trejo, Seagal, Alba, the bad guys, the one-liners, the over-the-top violence, the intentionally grainy film. I suppose I’ll be the only one in the theater laughing, as everyone else will think it’s supposed to be serious. “Action. Suspense. … Emotion.” Can’t wait.
I’ve never heard of “Dead Snow.” Is it good?
John# Posted By John Hansen | 8/18/10 8:42 PM
Looks like Roth actually is working on Thanksgiving:
http://www.avclub.com/articles/eli-roth-confirms-t…# Posted By Another Matt | 8/25/10 10:35 AM
And apparently “Hobo with a Shotgun” is also becoming a real movie. Interesting. I’m not real familiar with Eli Roth’s work; I hear that it is rather graphic. But “The Last Exorcism” looks like it is quite well done, judging by the previews. And “Thanksgiving,” judging by the fake trailer, should be intentionally fake-looking, and therefore it has the potential to be quite funny.# Posted By John Hansen | 8/25/10 11:54 AM