In its large ensemble cast, “Melrose Place” (8 p.m. Central Tuesdays on The CW) has one likeable character. He’s a 25-year-old comic book fan and budding filmmaker. He asks his girlfriend of five years to marry him, but she’s not sure if she should, because, come on, he likes comic books. Obviously, that’s a sign that he’s not marriage material. Living together every day like a married couple is one thing, but going through the ceremony and ritual of it — that’s another.
Oh, but then later he turns down a $100,000 film deal because the Hollywood mogul only made the offer as hush money. So, since his moral standards are intact, she agrees to marry him.
This is the same portion of the greater L.A. area where a nurse goes on a date with a nice guy, and it’s going great. Except that their schedules don’t match up for a second date, so he offers her $5,000 to have sex with him right away. No one has acted that way in the history of the human race. (But if someone ever did, apparently she would agree to the sex.)
Oh, and a cast member from the original “Melrose Place” is found dead in a pool and one of our cast of apartment dwellers did it — they are all suspects. Might it have been the guy who is burning bloody clothes in an alley at the end of the episode? If this were a real-life murder mystery, yes, of course it was him. Since it’s TV, there’s no chance in hell that he did it.
I’ve never seen the original “Melrose Place,” but it must be better than this version, because at least it came about organically as a spinoff of “Beverly Hills, 90210.” The CW just wants to be what Fox was in the ’90s. But this is contrived, and also, not very good. I think it’s a bit worse than the “90210” relaunch, of which I saw the entire first season but now can’t remember anything about it.
I used to like a lot of shows on The WB, UPN and The CW. Now, if “Gossip Girl” starts to suck or gets canceled, I won’t have any reason to watch it, and The CW will have as much pop-culture relevance as its parent company, CBS (the most-watched network, with the least interesting shows).
Am I being too dismissive after one episode? Share your apologia below, “Melrose” fans.